Your exes

No matter how secure you think you are in your relationship, there is nothing quite like mention of The Ex to bring out the Crazy Bitch in us all. Let's examine this more closely.

There are several reasons for this inexplicable behavior in us. But we're girls and we're known to be a wee unrational at times...

1) It annoys us when you speak of her fondly.

Secretly, we're thinking about ourselves...are we better or worse? Does he carry a secret torch for her? we think. So, she's an astrophysicist who volunteers with lepers in India while modeling on the side? No, but we might think of her that way. Here's an example conversation:

Boy A: So my ex and I are having lunch.

(secret thought: OMG, they're going to have sex and run off to Vegas! She's a PORN STAR who will fulfill every sexual demand that he's ever had--she's going to STEAL HIM BACK!)

Boy A: She's a really smart girl.

(secret thought: she's the president of Mensa! He thinks I'm a moron! And she's a PORN STAR. (Editor's note: this is particularly bad if she is, in fact, a porn star. Then you've got problems, friend.))

BTW: under NO circumstances WHATSOEVER is your ex-girlfriend ever ever ever hot. I don't care if you dated Gisele...if you ever want us to touch your pee-pee again, she "has a good personality." Also, saying that she's crazy might not help either. Especially since some boys are really into the crazy.

2) It annoys us when you speak of her disparagingly.

I know--you can't ever win. But when you refer to your ex as "that castrating, blood-sucking bitch" or some other such endearing terms, we wonder how you'll speak of us if we break up. We also worry about the amount of baggage that we've now inherited from somebody else. Much like the impulse buy at Forever 21, we wonder if we bought something that somebody smarter than we had the good sense to pass on. Bad form. The less said, the better.

If pressed, say something like, "Well, we were in different places and it didn't work out. She wasn't amazing like you, you hot little minx. Come here and let me worship you."

3) Frankly, it annoys us when you speak of her at all.

Why? Because we'd like to believe that much like a Cabbage Patch Doll, you hatched fully formed from a field full of butterflies and sunflowers. We don't like to think about how many other girls have hurt you or cherished you. Intellectually, we KNOW that you probably weren't a virgin when we met you (because otherwise where would you have learned that trick with you hips), but emotionally we like to pretend. We also don't like thinking about your getting naked with somebody before us.

We're not into sloppy seconds--especially from that castrating, blood-sucking bitch.

(Editor's note: we actually love Angelina and would go gay for her in two seconds, but the appeal of her as vampire was too good to pass up. Love you, Angie! Call us!)