Spring Awakening

Ah, spring time in New York--is anything lovelier? The birds are singing, the smog carries a sweeter scent of car musk and the sun warms the miles of concrete. People are happier, nicer and less apt to pepper spray you for bumping them on the subway. It's the best of times as the good citizens of Gotham shed their outer layers of black clothing to reveal their grotesquely pale limbs. There's always something a bit off-putting about seeing New Yorkers in summer wear--it's like seeing your mother at your favorite downtown bar...sort of like, "huh, never imagined you here." But I digress.

I love the warmer weather, but I do dislike one thing about it... Much like the hibernating polar bear, the Urban Pig comes out around the same time as those cute sundresses. Here are two popular varieties seen here:

























The Urban Pig usually accosts women traveling alone who are just trying to get on with their damn day without punching someone in the head because the super cute shoes they are wearing are also killing them slowly (and it's worth it!):


Anyway, there you are, most likely trying to balance a hot cup of coffee, a BlackBerry, a gym bag and a purse when, suddenly, you sense that you are being watched. You look up and, yes, you confirm that you are being watched. In fact, you are being mentally undressed in the minds of every straight male within view. You feel that extra-sort of dirty, and not in that good way.

But, then, the situation escalates. You hear men cat-calling out of car windows, taxis and scooters.

"Hey mami!"

"Hola mujer."

"Hey, girl, how you doin'?"

"Girl, you are lookin' fine today."

Oh, the humanity! The leering! The creepy staring! It's all too much to bear and all you're trying to do is get on with your life. I mean-- What. The. Fuck.

You consider a multitude of different options and responses, but it seems that coolly ignoring everyone is the best position. You're outraged and angry. "God!" you think to yourself, "The nerve! How disgusting! What PIGS! But..I did think I looked especially cute this morning."

Enjoy the spring!