Sunday, July 26, 2009

Yoga Hate

Hello hate fans,


Yes, it's your local resident hater. It's been an extraordinary long time since my last post, but I've found myself inexplicably unable to summon up appropriate amounts of hate ever since last November. I've just been feeling, well, so damn hopeful that it was hard to dig up the hate. Fortunately for you, dear reader, I've not lost that hating feeling.


I wish I were one of those irrepressibly happy, sunny, optimistic people whose heart was big enough to accommodate all manner of people and annoyances. Indeed, Miss Cranky Pants grew up among the peace-loving hippies of NorCal. Despite what one might expect, it actually created a marked aversion to happy, shiny people. I embraced the dark cloud of crankiness around me like a warm blanket on a cold night and all those mellow hippie types be damned.


Alas, MCP is still a Californian and therefore enjoys her fair share of yoga. It keeps bitterness and crankiness at bay for a little while. Yet, irony of all ironies...MCP finds herself annoyed with her fellow yoga students. This, my friends, is the ultimate test of hateration. At a time when once is supposed to find peace and love for all sentient beings, I'm busy spewing mental venom and aggression from my sticky mat. It's not like Ashtanga yoga...it's more like Bitch Yoga.


My ire knows no bounds. I reserve a special kind of hate for people who are killing the yoga flow. I don't fault beginners as such, but I hold a real place of disdain for people who practice lazy yoga. You know what I mean: those slackers who don't hold the poses for as long as other people and who are clearly half-assing all of the poses. They are, in fact, riding off the energy coattails of their fellow yogis and I won't stand for it, dammit. It's just annoying that they get all the pay-off of good yoga energy without the work.


The second type of yogi that I find myself hating (perhaps even more passionately than our Lazy Yogi) is the Yogi Who Is Effortlessly Better Than Me. They say yoga is not a competition. That is utter bullshit. Everyone, I mean, everyone in class is trying to suss out the best student. Most of the time, I can assure you that it's not me which leads me to why I find yoga to be ultimately a practice in futility towards enlightenment and peace. I particularly hate those smug students who happen to be super-bendy and super-strong and are pretending like it's SO easy and that everyone isn't looking at them in envy. It's sort of like the guy driving the cherry-red Jaguar...What? Who, little old me? Yes. Go suck a curry egg.


So, in sum total, here's to Bitch Yoga and the ultimate competition towards enlightenment. Let the best yogi win.


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