Monday, March 19, 2012

The User's Guide to Keeping a 24 year old lover

To be perfectly frank with you, not every one will understand your new fascination with your love object. But, as Woody Allen once famously said, "The heart wants what it wants." In their deepest yearnings, they all either wish that they could be you and are secretly jealous. Oftentimes, this jealousy may manifest itself as snide comments, eyerolls and all manner of knowing eyebrows raised. Stay the course and remember that few have the sort of mettle necessary for such pursuits. Nor the stamina. More on that later.

Initially, the most difficult aspect of dating a 24 year old once you are past the age of 35 is breaking the news to those closest to you. As might be predicted, the initial reaction that you will probably receive will be that of incredulity and scorn, particularly amongst your closest loved ones (see: family and ex-girlfriends).

No, she's incredibly mature. No, that's not code for big tits. Yes, I'm really seeing her and it's not just about sex.

Inevitably, you might be tempted to get into discussion about the finer points of a taut 24 year old body. This is not without merit, but please be advised that should you want to be viewed as a grown up conducting a Relationship instead of a "Hook-up" (in the parlance of the subject in question), it is advised to exercise some restraint. After all, discretion is the better part of valor.

You might also find yourself on the unpleasant receiving end of a great deal of ire from ex-girlfriends, particularly if they themselves are over the age of 30. Reactions may range from suppressed disdain to bitter rage to mocking laughter. Your response to any variation of the question: "Are you fucking kidding me?" should be polite restraint. You are, after all, a gentleman. A gentleman who is currently enjoying the nubile charms of a young, impressionable lady. There is no need to rub salt in the wound, even in the cases of the most bitter shrews who have been cast aside for greener pastures. A curt "Thank you." will suffice for any variation on the comment, "Good luck with that."

Verbal Cues:

As an individual over the age of 35, you might find it informative that the generational divide used to be considered as intervals of a decade. Thanks to the acceleration of the internet age, the cultural reference points that people once used to identify each other are now considered within five year brackets. Thus, in your case, you are considered three generations older than your paramour. Not to worry that your squeeze was being born as you were in college. Below is a handy guide to what to talk about with your 24 year old lover. Bearing in mind that your lover was born in the late 80's and was hardly cognizant of pop culture trends until well into the late-90s, here are some cultural reference points for your edification:

The Thong Song will have figured into the score of her early life. Marky Mark will be more famous for dropping his Calvin Kleins than for his fledgling rap career. Ditto for his Scorsese film career. Britney Spears will have been a major role model before she lost her shit. She probably danced to Who Let the Dogs Out at her middle school dance. By the way, it's called Middle School--not junior high school. She wasn't really aware when Clinton was president because she was four when he was elected.

Also, be aware that the average 24 year old's speech is peppered with two verbal tics that most 20-somethings echo unconsciously. Call it something akin to speech patterning that self-identifies--not unlike cats purring at each other. The first, and most obvious, is the complete inability to express oneself verbally without the frequent use of the word, "like." "Like" rarely refers to an actual emotion or affection. Instead, it is used as an emphasizer or verbal pause. For example, "He had, like, the biggest penis I've ever seen." or "I don't, like, understand what you're talking about."

The second verbal peculiarity that you may come across is their propensity to inflect each sentence as if it were a question. This is not an indication that your 24-year-old is asking questions. No, in fact, this generation has been raised to be incredibly self-important having been told that They Are So Special from their first beginnings. The inflection is a method for them to make themselves more agreeable to others of their age and employed as a tool to deflect gravitas and perhaps, in some cases, to divert attention away from the content of their statements. "So, like, Rachel is such a bitch? You know?"

Activities:

Eating Habits: In most cases, your 24 year old's eating habits will veer between the shockingly disgusting and the most spartan. She will in all likelihood eat her feelings and ricochet between self-loathing and childlike abandon in regards to food. If she is like most 20-somethings, she will have struggled with her love/hate relationship with food. Luckily for her, her metabolism will still stand up to the revolting amounts of Hostess cupcakes she stuffs into her gob while nobody is looking. In the interim, she will insist that she eats healthy and will mask her food issues under the guise of "food allergies." The most popular of these will be "vegan," or "gluten-free" which will allow her to acceptably indulge her twisted relationship with food in public. The short answer here is to stock your fridge with green juice, diet Coke, Red Bull and Haagen Dazs. This should satisfy most needs.

Going Out: If you are over 35 and not a douchebag, we will safely assume that you are past the age where you think it's fun to go out to loud bars with overpriced drinks and people running to the bathroom to do coke every five minutes. This is not the case with your 24 year old. This is, in fact, the playground for 24 year olds. If you are making plans to pursue a relationship with a 24 year old, be prepared to spend a good amount of time in these social settings. These sort of venues are populated by girls who drink too much and like to employ the word "Whoooo!" as mating call and man-boys who spend a good deal of their free time at the gym, their disposal income on tight-fitting shirts and their social time staring at their iphones pretending to ignore the women in their general area. Stiff upper lip, soldier. Nobody said this would be easy.

Sex: Let's face it. This is probably the major activity and source of interest in pursuing a relationship with a 24 year old. Unless your 24 year old was a major slut, she will probably be less confident and practiced in this area than your more seasoned lovers. Though you will likely have to endure your share of toothy head and fumblings, they can be more teachable than other lovers who will have had more experience upon which to draw. Remember: teaching is a noble art and your lover's young, pert body will probably make up for a certain artlessness. All that we can say to you is that we wish you luck: hydrate and prepare yourself for vigorous sessions. 24 year olds are full of energy.

Exit Strategies:

Assuming that at a certain point, you will tire of being in a relationship with your 24 year old and will finally come to terms that it has run its course, you will have to devise a foolproof exit strategy in order to gracefully extricate yourself without gnawing your foot off to escape.

The average 24 year old becomes extremely attached and it is the rare one who will let you end the relationship without a great deal of recrimination and tears. This is to be expected. Here are some keys to ending things with a minimum of drama:

-Break up with her at her house so that you can leave. There is nothing worse than having a sobbing lover in your apartment who won't leave.
-Have plenty of tissue handy. -Bring chocolate and a season of Gilmore Girls on DVD for her to watch when you leave. The hijinks of fast-talking Lorelei will take her mind off of you for a while. -Be prepared for many teary phone calls and meetings afterward. Alternatively, be prepared for a series of cringe-inducing break-up scenarios enacted on your doorstep. -Be cruel to be kind. You are doing nobody any favors by dragging this on.

Please be ever mindful of Dan Savage's Campsite rules for dating the younger kind: As with campers at campsites, the older partners of younger people should always leave 'em in better shape than they found 'em.

Happily Ever After:

So, let's assume that you find yourself feeling "something real" for your 24 year old. Let's say in the best case scenario, she returns your feelings (and it's not about being opportunistic and taking advantage of your career and income) and you decide to Live Happily Ever After. You'll have many happy years of marriage and child-rearing before she dumps you in her late 30's after realizing that you have taken the best years of her life and subsumed her needs to Find Out Who She Is to your domestic needs. Luckily, you'll have a good decade before she cottons on to the fact that perhaps she needed more time to figure herself out before you cast her into the role of Young Wife and Mother. With luck and some practice, you can start the cycle again and remind your ex-wife-to-be that she was, once upon a time, that 24 year old. Carpe diem.

Best of luck to you.

Remember: age ain't nothing but a number unless it's statutory!

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